Comedy | Louisville's Strange Brew

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could make a bunch of jokes about his name (a lesser website might call him bi-curious George, for instance) but we’re not going to, mostly because Stephen Colbert has already made that joke. But, also, if you think about it, being given an incredibly gay name isn’t necessarily his fault. If your given name was Jazz Hands McCoy, it wouldn’t mean that you were gay. It would raise some serious questions about whomever named you. And, that’s where George’s sexuality starts to get murky.

Curious George was named by The Man in the Yellow Hat, his older, unmarried roommate. The fact that the man doesn’t have a name indicates that he relishes anonymity. And, the fact that he goes by The Man in the Yellow Hat indicates that he literally defines himself by his wardrobe. He’s never seen with women, nor do his tight yellow suit and matching cowboy hat scream “lets go grab beers at the sports bar.”

Curious George and The Man live in an apartment together in an urban setting and are often seen walking around the city holding hands. We won’t stoop so low as to speculate about the implications inherent in George’s love for bananas and the fact that The Man in the Yellow Hat wears tight yellow pants, just like we didn’t make the bi-curious joke in the parenthesis above.

Real-world gay counterpart:

George Michael. Curious and Mr. Michael are both the more famous half of a famous duo. Like the rascally monkey, Mr. Michael is always getting himself into trouble. The only difference is, Curious George tends to get himself into adorable trouble, while Michael prefers vaguely pathetic legal trouble.

Kermit the Frog

Unlike many of the characters on this list, we’re not even sure this lonely bastard knows he’s gay. One of his first gigs was on The Muppet Show where he was the show-tune singing head of a theatre troop. After suppressing his enthusiasm for musical theater, he went on to a long film career comprised mostly of being propositioned by a sexually aggressive female pig and turning her down.

Beyond being the most prolific pussy rejecter in the history of cinema, everyone’s favorite amphibian has never quite seemed comfortable in his own skin. Take his famous song, “It’s Not Easy Being Green,” in which he wishes he were able to “stand out like flashy sparkles in the water, or stars in the sky.” At the song’s close, we find Kermit wrestling with his own identity: “I am green and it’ll do fine, it’s beautiful, and I think it’s what I want to be.”

You don’t sound too certain there Kerm. You sure you don’t want to be, say, a fabulous multicolored rainbow, as you suggest in the below music video “Rainbow Connection”?

Check out the 40-second mark in the song, where Kermit sings longingly that: “rainbow’s have nothing to hide,” before telling whomever he’s singing to, “wait and see, someday we’ll find it, a rainbow connection.” We’d stop there if it didn’t get EVEN GAYER when he asks his muse, “Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors? … I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it. It’s something that I’m supposed to be.” What ever could this “rainbow connection” be that “calls the young sailors” as well as the vagina-allergic Kermit? We’ll let you decide.

Actually, no we won’t. It’s definitely gay sex.

Real-world gay counterpart:

Anderson Cooper. Cooper doesn’t admit he’s gay in the same way that Michael Jackson doesn’t admit he’s ever had plastic surgery. Beyond their closeted status, Cooper and Kermit are good matches because they’re both beloved, and Kermit played a likable news reporter on Sesame Street. Also, couldn’t you just see Miss Piggy-incarnate Nancy Grace obliviously throwing herself at Cooper at the CNN Christmas party?

Dave Seville from Alvin and the Chipmunks

Many jokes have been made about the sexual orientation of Jon Arbuckle from Garfield, but evidence suggests that Dave Seville is the king of gay pet owners who are entirely too into their pets. Arbuckle lives in an unremarkable home, eats shitty food, has a fat cat, a retarded dog and is constantly trying to get laid. He’s apparently a cartoonist but his main occupation seems to be staying at home all day with his pets and talking to himself. Jon is certainly very creepy, but he couldn’t be less gay.

Dave meanwhile lives in a gorgeous home with a beautifully manicured lawn, and keeps three exotic pets who he costumes in long dress-like mumus with their initials on them. He’s a song writer and music producer for a boy band, which is on the interior decorator side of the spectrum of gay forms of employment.

While Jon’s constantly dating, Dave is rarely if ever seen with women, and is often out of town on long “business trips” to exotic locations. This gives the plot the much needed opportunity for Alvin, Simon and Theodore to be cared for by someone with absurdly lacking parenting skills. It also raises the question: Why would a song writer need to make such long and frequent trips overseas?

The below video gives us an idea, as we find Dave sporting a killer tight shorts, long-sleeved sweater combo while antique shopping in a vaguely Middle Eastern looking location. You know … business.

Real-world gay counterpart:

Lou Pearlman, the former Backstreet Boys and N’Sync manager is currently in jail for running a ponzi scheme, but rumors have long swirled that he was a little too close to the boys in his bands.

Peppermint Patty

By age 8, Patricia “Peppermint Patty” Reichardt was already on a one-way train to Lesbianapolis. She was a tomboy. She wore Birkenstocks. She coached a baseball team. For reasons only Charles Schulz understands, Peppermint Patty was one Indigo Girls concert away from being a crude lesbian stereotype.

Patty was the first female member of the Peanuts gang to ever be drawn wearing pants instead of a dress. One character (Marcie) even called Patty “Sir.” And, at no point in the 50-year run of the comic strip or in the dozens of TV specials and feature films, was Patty ever shown making love to a man.

Strangest of all, American Supreme Court justice John Roberts noted in an interview that in high school he starred in a live production of You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown. He played Peppermint Patty. No, we’re not making that up.

Real-world gay counterpart:

Martina Navratilova. She dominated tennis in the same way Patty dominated on the baseball diamond. Both have a birthday in October. Martina campaigned for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Patty often mistook Snoopy for a human.

He-Man

Like most gay men of the past, He-Man splits his time between two identities. During his everyday life he is Prince Adam, whose outfit of choice is tights under a button-up shirt.

While this getup is presumably meant to throw everybody off the scent of the fabulousness that pulses under the surface, he probably could have come up with a better disguise than “middle-aged woman on her way to aerobics class.”

When he’s He-Man, he wears fur underwear, boots and basically anything he can get his hands on that will make him look like he should be dancing in a cage at a gay bar. That’s really the only thing that changes about his appearance. His clothes manage to get like 100 percent gayer, his pet tiger gets braver and he starts shooting gobs of energy out of a big phallic sword.

For some reason, he thinks this is enough to convince his best friend from childhood Teela that Adam and He-Man are two completely different people. No glasses, no masks, just less clothing and the sword. Teela plays along, but we’re pretty sure she’s just humoring him: “Hey Ada … I mean He-Man. What a super masculine name that is by the way. In no way does its redundant masculinity suggest that you are attempting to cover anything up. Nor, do your naked bulging muscles.”

Real-world gay counterpart:

The Sopranos‘ Vito Spatafore, played by Joseph R. Gannascoli. He leads a double life just like He-Man. Instead of using a muscled physique to overcompensate, he kills people.

Velma from Scooby Doo

Wearing a hideous orange sweater and having a short, manly haircut does not make Velma a lesbian. Being both bookishly nerdy and strong enough to carry her stoner friends and their dog while running away from ghosts does not make Velma a lesbian.

Even Velma’s inspiration (the character was allegedly based on Zelda from the CBS sitcom The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, and Zelda was played by proud homosexual Sheila Kuehl) doesn’t make her a lesbian. While all of these facts do provide strong supporting details, they’re not what really pushed us over the fence on this issue. It was totally Daphne.

Let’s just try to figure out why Velma was even part of this gang: Her life was always in danger, and she was clearly smarter than the rest of the group. Could she have stuck around because of a crush on one of the guys? Well, Shaggy and Scooby are spineless losers and Fred, though certainly talkative and well dressed, is patently useless and, we don’t think it’s going too far to say, blandly asexual.

So, what kept Velma coming back to a group that, in addition to being intellectually beneath her, was apparently a magnet for creepy old men dressed as monsters? The same thing that kept horny boys tuning in all those years: Motherfucking Daphne. Velma was simply no match for Daphne’s overpowering sexual magnetism.

Daphne had everything: a killer body, long, red hair and that purple headband. You bet your ass she was raising more than the dead on that haunted island (ka-pow!), and Velma’s heartbreaking, unrequited love could be the only explanation for her continued involvement with the ol’ gang.

Real-world gay counterpart:

Sheila Kuehl, the actress Velma was based on who grew up to be a state senator in California and a gay rights activist. Intelligent, articulate, intimidating and totally undoable.

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In April 1984, Dr. Robert Gallo filed a United States patent application for his invention, the HIV/AIDS Virus. Normally, when a patent is filed and approved, as Dr. Gallo’s was, anyone who uses the product or invention owes a royalty payment to the inventor. Thus, holding the intellectual property laws to their fullest interpretations, one must only wonder why Dr. Gallo has yet to file a lawsuit seeking to recover damages from the usage of his invention? As odd as this scenario may sound, it bears need for additional scrutiny.

The scientific evidence is complete and compelling, the AIDS Virus is a designer bi-product of the U.S. Special Virus program. The Special Virus program was a federal virus development program that persisted in the United States from 1962 until 1978. The U.S. Special Virus was then added as ‘compliment’ to vaccine inoculations in Africa and Manhattan. Shortly thereafter the world was overwhelmed with mass infections of a human retrovirus that differed from any known human disease, it was highly contagious and more importantly, it could kill.

A review of the Special Virus Flow Chart (“research logic”) reveals the United States was seeking a ‘virus particle’ that would negatively impact the defense mechanisms of the immune system. The program sought to modify the genome of the virus particle in which to splice in an animal “wasting disease” called “Visna”.

According to the Proceedings of the United States of America, AIDS is an evolutionary, laboratory development of the peculiar Visna Virus, first detected in Icelandic sheep. Recently, American and world scientists confirm with 100% certainty the laboratory genesis of AIDS. This fact is further underscored when one reviews the ‘multiply-spliced’ nature of the HIV ‘tat’ gene and Dr. Gallo’s 1971 Special Virus paper, “Reverse Transcriptase of Type-C virus Particles of Human Origin”.

Dr. Gallo’s 1971 Special Virus paper is identical to his 1984 announcement of AIDS. Upon further review the record reveals that he filed his patent on AIDS, before he made the announcement with Secretary Heckler. Earlier this year, Dr. Gallo conceded his role as a ‘Project Officer’ for the federal virus development program, the Special Virus.

The Flow Chart of the program and the 15 progress reports are irrefutable evidence of the United States’ secret plan to cull world populations via the unleashing of a stealth biological microorganism that would ‘waste’ humanity. In light of this true genesis of the world’s most divesting biological scourge, it is the United States that owes ‘royal’ payments to the innocent victims. Each and every victim of AIDS is deserving of a formal apology and a sense of economic closure for an invention of death and despair, perpetrated by the United States.